i ran out of ideas (about my favorite day and more)

2024 will be the first year in a long time where i won't be releasing an album in the 25th of november.

this tradition started in 2021, i think, with the release of "i'm sorry." under the alias "nobody else at the end". according to bandcamp, it was actually released in december 2nd, but i believe this date is wrong. either way, the following year i released my best album, "sometimes i go out in pity for myself", followed by two throwaways: "unassorted dreams" and "when is it going to end?". i released this two albums on that date only because i couldn't bear not to do it, something that can be explained by my ASD. i regret that today since "when is it going to end?" was in the works for a while and i rushed its completion for this release. either way, almost no one listened to these albums.

this year, i won't make that effort. i have a fully completed album and a bunch of semi-completed songs that i could release, but i won't, because i gave up on self-publishing when i realized it will never work for me. i feel resentful towards some of my heroes and favorite artists (parannoul, weatherday, sonhos tomam conta) as well as some artists i hate for the fact that they managed to gain notoriety and the respect of peers and critics by sheer luck through self-publishing, as i've tried my best to do this for years to no avail. that can be argued against due to the small success of simon e o rei gelado in 2022/2023, but it was way too small compared to some of my peers. people who follow me on twitter have read me talk about this several times and i might sound like a frustrated, resentful bitch, which i am, but it's just the truth. i put a lot of effort into making my music as clean and professional as possible, while also thinking of marketing, which is why i did something i never thought i would: i asked a label to release an album of mine. twice. it of course failed, for different reasons each time. the second being the saddest as i even commissioned my friend to make an album art because i believed in it so much. everyone who listened said it was great and it should be successful, but alas, no one cared.

that's not true. it's not the only reason i won't be releasing anything this year. in 2019 i managed to make an entire PRETTY GOOD album in just one night and then release it that same night (which i then later asked to be re-released in the fotoshoppe co. label). the thing is, in the past year or so, i have not made that much music. at least nothing releasable. i've made a bunch of snippets, demos, and thrown ideas out into the wall. i've started collabs, asked for collabs, tried making a free palestine charity album with other people which i gave up on as i'm writing this, but nothing concrete. i said i have a fully completed album but that wasn't true either. what i mean is, that album has enough tracks to be released as a fully complete project, but it's not my ultimate vision for it. i want it to be a 1+ hour long dj-set of sorts like a dj sabrina album and that will take a while. again, working with autism is a funny thing. i need to release something in this arbitrary date but i can't release it because it's not my full vision, and also, i don't want to waste it right now. i have to hold onto it until i find a good opportunity to gain notoriety from it, as it's a sequel to "MY HAPPY ENDING" (the one i commissioned an album art for). i don't want what happened to MHE to happen to this one again.

like i said before, i have not made much music. most of what i did was directed towards my other projects, like my dating sim and my platformer, but making soundtracks for games that don't exist yet is a bit useless. it's like schrodinger's music, it exists, but only if i let you listen to them. besides that, i have a failed screamo album that will become an ep and a compilation of my old breakcore music. the ep isn't complete enough to be released and the compilation... might need more tracks. you see, there's no point.

but, the title of this post says it is about my favorite day.

i've allowed myself to be brutally honest in this blog before, even forgetting to private my post about s/a for a while (i assume a lot of people read it during that window of time) so i think i can explain that here too.

as a person with ASD i hold onto things that seem would seem trivial to everyone else. things that are important to me for very arbitrary reasons, that are almost sacred to me. i also have an unhealthy tendency to obssess over patterns and believe there is something more to them, like signs that i'm actually in a fourth dimension, dreaming of this life somewhere or something. the date 25 of november is one of these things.

in 2017, i was an avid user of google+. i met some of my oldest friends there, and lost a lot of them. anyone who's used that website knows how it felt like a tight corner of the internet, even considering people from other countries. everyone who used it in brazil knew each other, at least in passing, like a small town. one of these people i met was a girl called oliver.

i had a huge crush on oliver, but i had a huge crush on everyone. that's not true. i had the hugest crush on her. for what reason? hell if i know, i was a twelve year old autistic boy with no friends whose only purpose in life was to find a girl and get married. i don't know what i had in my mind at the time. though, i thought she was cool. she dated a guy i hated, then was single, then dated another guy i hated. an 18 year old guy (me and oliver were 12) who also would later have a weirdly close relationship with my best friend (also a girl). they broke up eventually. we talked the most during 2017, specially the middle of it. she knew everyone. i felt really cool for being her friend.

in 2019, after gaining a bit more consciensce and during the cocooning process of becoming an adult-sized simon, i started to think about her again. google+ was on the verge of collapse, and i still had her contact on discord. i noticed that everyone she's ever talked to, only saw this one specific photo of her. furthermore, she denied calling me strongly, giving all types of excuses. after a while, i told her directly (like i always do) about this suspicion and asked her to do a video call, but she denied and said she would record a video instead. i said that was a fair deal, it was proof enough. she deleted all her accounts and i never saw her again.

i don't hesitate on refering to her by the name that was given and talking about her like she existed because she did. she was a character being played by someone -- who i doubt was a groomer, by the way -- , and that character was the person i met. i don't hold any special feelings towards her nowadays. i don't have any emotional attachment to that person besides the overall memories of that period in time. i also don't hold a grudge. her birthday was on november 25.

after that, as i was gaining the personality and tastes i had today, i ran into that date several times during the years. it is also the birthday of shiina ringo, the birthday of a friend of mine and a friend i lost contact with. i'm sure i've seen games and albums being released on that date a lot of times too, just don't remember it. besides these signs, the day has become almost like a holiday to me. every 25th of november i expect something to happen or make something happen myself. i've had a few interesting november 25ths over the years but i won't go into detail abt each of them. the fact is that it's an important date to me. the most important in fact. that's why i chose to release an album each year on this date.

since i failed this year, i assume this tradition will die with it as well. i might also release less and less music over time. i feel like i'm losing my creativity as i grow older. either way, that's all for today.